Finding Personal Peace

Over the past few days, some things happened that made me pause to think about how I have come to be at the place I am now and yet remain composed, for want of a better word. So, I have pondered over this and came to this conclusion; there are three things in my life that keep me on course; Lilly, Lucy, and most of all, Christ. All these three things are tightly connected as well.

Going back to the beginning, I was in a place of darkness. Emotional abuse that had carried on for years had left me in a pit of confusion and uncertainty. I had lost the very essence of who I was, no, who I am. The only things keeping me going and moving onward were my girls. I clung to them, making them my purpose to go on when I felt so battered that I didn’t even know if I deserved to be their mother.

In the year or two leading up to this point, the Lord had begun to test my trust in Him. Various small things occurred, things that made me pause and remember how faithful I had once been, and I began to turn back to it. As time passed, things in my life declined, and the Lord called me to trust Him. I have always been someone who clings onto things, needing to have plans, needing to feel in control, so this call to let go and trust came hard for me. But as soon as I did, it was as if a light turned on in my life. Throughout the divorce, that trust He had instilled in me saved me and kept me on course.

Growing up, my mum called me tenacious. I always called it stubbornness, although, I think I have a strong defiance streak as well. If someone says I can’t do something, I work my butt of to prove them wrong. If someone expects me to lay down and die, to be quiet and take what I’m given, I come back swinging. Although, I think sometimes people believe that being quieter in general, I’m weak and stupid. I know I may not be the smartest person in the room, and I know I still have much to learn in so many things, but confusing quietness for stupidity or weakness is a poor judgement. When I think of Christ, I think of a gently spoken man, one who is thoughtful, patient, and kind. But He is so strong. Stronger than anyone else who has ever lived. To willingly suffer as He did, and give up His life for everyone, knowing some will accept and many won’t, that takes incredible courage and fortitude of character. To me, Christ is the ultimate example of strength through quieter nature, and I strive to be like Him. As I have grown older, I have become quieter. Many who knew me when I was young will attest to me having a loud side. Most people who know me now have probably never seen that part of me. But I have grown quieter not because I have nothing to say, but rather, I would prefer to say something meaningful. I would prefer to listen more. I do often speak silliness still, but generally I prefer to hold my tongue and ponder over things instead.

While going through my divorce, a lot of mud was slung around about me. So many lies spread to cover the truth I had uncovered. It was devastating. I was isolated living in a country on the other side of the world to my family and fighting to keep the only family I did have; my children, while being told I didn’t deserve them, and I was a useless mother. I quickly learned to hold my tongue during this time and speak when needed. I visited the temple weekly, and this became the fortification I needed to not only survive, but to fight back. During this time, I began to hear Christ’s voice clearer with each visit. It was profound and life changing. He reminded me who I am. He told me so much about my potential and my path forward. Most of all, He showed me that I have always been one of the strongest daughters of God and I am unbreakable. My tenacity, as my mother called it, or defiance as I call it, comes from who I have always been. My children chose me as their mother, which makes me beyond worthy of them. Those two wonderful, high energy, brilliant girls chose me and that is profoundly powerful. It gave me the fortitude to realize I do deserve to be their mother. I am capable of being a good mother. More than anything, it gave me the determination to stand my ground. I needed to be their mother, an example of conviction to them in faith and in womanhood. I needed to be a model to them for what they could become. They gave me my purpose; Christ gave me the way and the inspiration. To this day, as I go through yet another divorce, the Lord stands by me and tells me, “You are mine. I will take care of you.” And He does. I see it every day. I feel it in the peace I find even in hard times.

I think back to how I was several years ago, and I am sad for who I had become. But I think of where I am now, and I am glad for it. I have made the mistake of falling back onto old habits and it did more harm than good. I fell prey to the blame game which never helped anything. When it came down to it, when I stripped away all the drama and noise, I just needed to know who I am. I needed to toss out the labels—wife, mother, employee, student—everything I thought defined me and see who I truly am. I needed to see the value in me. It’s not easy to get to that point. It took a great deal of soul searching. But when I reached that point, and God said, “There’s my girl,” everything seemed so much easier. I could forgive. I could unburden myself of anger and hurt, all things I was completely justified feeling, but they just made everything so much harder. Without my burdens, who I am began to come out again and it didn’t matter what others said about me. No one else could define me anymore.

I’m not saying hard things aren’t hard for me, because they are, but I have a new perspective on them. As long as I keep moving forward, doing right by my girls, and allowing the Lord to guide my path, I know everything will turn out. There is immense peace in that.

And so, my advice is to find you. To turn to God. To open your heart to forgiveness and allowing all the things that you think define you drift away. Be you. Be the shining light that no one else can be. See yourself through heaven’s eyes and the transformation will come. When you find your peace, you will also find your strength.