Chapter ??: When I Fell In Love

 Young Single Adult Conventions hold some of my favorite memories. Held annually, we alternated between locations in Sydney and Brisbane. These conventions were held at boarding schools that had closed for the summer so we could stay on campus for the entire time. The conventions were always held over New Years, so we always had a New Year’s ball/dance that was the highlight of the entire convention. I attended three in total for the entire time, and one in Sydney where I only went to a few events.

My first convention was in Brisbane the New Years between being an exchange student and moving in with my grandparents. Conventions were meant to accomplish several things; help build strong friendships among the YSAs from two states, provide a wholesome and fun environment to help us build our testimonies, and, although it was never a spoken rule it was clearly known, to help us get married. That first convention I attended I was nineteen, so, although I was interested in guys, marriage wasn’t my top priority. I hung out with friends from my stake and had fun with them. I also rediscovered my super crush on the guy I had met at TFY and crushed on my entire eleventh grade year. But the most significant thing for me was making friends with people from my grandparents’ ward and stake. That convention helped me make the decision and get through the trials of the year that would follow.

The next convention I went to was in Sydney. By then I had built some wonderful friendships with amazing people I loved so much. That whole convention was pure fun. We ran around in a box-bus, took weird photos in our dorm’s common room, had very little sleep, and drank too much non-alcoholic wine and ended up on insane sugar highs. My favorite memory, however, was on New Year’s eve laying in the moist grass with my best friends. We stared up at the stars as the music from the dance throbbed in the air. We just talked, I can’t remember what about, but I will cherish how close we were in that moment forever.

Then, I went through 2007 which was a rough and heartbreaking year.

The next convention was back in Brisbane. My sister went to that one with a long-time friend of ours. It was their first convention as they had turned eighteen that year. I had more friends after my time living out of home, so the fun had more potential. We also went to Dreamworld as part of this convention. I love theme parks, so this was amazing!

During this convention, a group of guys from Queensland got together and made themselves shirts with ’08 on them. They set a catchphrase for themselves and said, “Set a date for oh-eight.” They came with the specific goal of finding a wife and getting married that year. The guys were proactive with meeting new girls, and I believe most of them were successful with getting married that year.

For me, that set my mind on the question of marriage as well. I was twenty-one and a few months earlier had received the revelation to not serve a mission but to go to university. These guys made me wonder if maybe I could join their ranks and set a date in ’08. My friend who came with us ended up meeting a guy she married on my birthday in ’08 at this convention. She found a guy at convention, but despite making tons of friends and meeting guys who thought I was cool, no one showed any interest in me romantically. It was the story of my life; guys liked me as a friend and thought I was super fun and enjoyed hanging out with me, but none of them wanted to date me.

I came home from that convention discouraged. Yeah, I’d had fun with my friends, but most of my friends had met guys during that convention or were on or about to leave on missions.

When we arrived home, my sister turned on the movie Flag of Our Fathers. In the movie, there is a Native American man who is among those who raise the iconic flag in Iwo Jima. The actor reminded me of a friend I made as an exchange student. Strangely enough, the Spirit told me then that I would marry this friend... but I brushed it aside as me being silly.

In my journal I wrote, “On Christmas day I called (my host family) as normal and amidst conversation (my host mother) asked if she could give (this male friend) my email address which he had asked for so he could email me… I said yes because I have always liked talking to him. I thought though, “I wonder if he still likes me?” It was a pleasant thought that even after all this time he might still.

“Anyway, I went off to convention in Brisbane and forgot about it until the day we got back and (my sister) put on Flag of Our Fathers which the actor who plays the Navajo character caught my attention because there were some expressions he pulled and at the very end when they swam that reminded me of (my friend). It was the weirdest thing and unsettled me slightly.” (June 22, 2008)

Because yes, during my time as an exchange student, this male friend had a thing for me. We went out on a double date, he tried to take me on a second date but his mother pulled me aside and told me he needed to focus on his mission and not be distracted by me. His best friend also cornered me not long before prom and told me I should ask him to go with me. I didn’t, because I didn’t go to prom, but it was pretty clear this guy was crushing on me, especially when he would get shy and tongue tied around me.

In a journal entry from my time visiting Arizona for my friend’s wedding and when my grandad died, I said, “(His mother) was over talking to (Host mother) she asked me why I hadn’t written to (him). (Note: He was on his mission at this time.) I told her I did but he never replied. She told me he wanted me to write to him so should try again. I told her to tell him he needs to write back if he wants me to. So I wrote to him again.”

This brings me back to the conversation I had with my host mother. She gave him my email address and we started to email back and forth. Unbeknownst to me, he did get a girlfriend during this time. His emails became sparse, and I said, “I’m a little confused… which is why I’m apprehensive. He wanted contact with me, then gave me the bare minimum. I don’t want to play games, I’m over games.” (22^nd June 2008)

2008 was a great year for me. I loved doing my university course. The classes were right up my alley and I thoroughly enjoyed doing them. I made awesome friends, and had a ton of fun with them.

I loved my calling in primary. I was the primary secretary and ended up going through three different presidencies due to various reasons. I ended up being allowed to basically run the Sunday process since I was so familiar with everything and the president trusted me completely. So was the dynamic of my ward. The love and trust people had for me in my home ward growing up was incredible. Even people from stake were like, “She’s got this. We’re all good.” That trust and love lifted me up and brought me such joy. I can’t remember a time I felt happier or more confident within my own skin. I had a small job doing a delivery route, I enjoyed university, and church made me so happy.

I loved the primary kids I worked with too. In my journal I talk about them all and how they made me laugh. It’s funny to me now as they’re all grown up. Some have gone on missions or are currently serving missions, some are married, some have finished university degrees and entered the working world. It’s like you go away and don’t expect things to change, but they clearly do. These kids I loved and teased and joked with are now grown adults. Many of them, even if they don’t know it, I’m incredibly proud to see how well they’ve done with their lives.

In June, the semester ended and we had our final exams. We also had a regional YSA convention over the long weekend prior to exams starting. The Monday the day before my first exam, which was biology, the convention took us ice skating. I have always loved ice skating! I’m not terribly great at it, but I could do well for someone who went every few months or so. The skating rink was close to where I lived, so most of the people from my ward and stake were familiar and more confident with skating than my friends from other stakes. So, I helped my friends from the other stakes by holding their hands and guiding them through the basics. One of my friends from my ward came up behind me and, as a joke, bumped me pretty hard. Under normal circumstances I would have balanced and chased him down for revenge, but, I had both hands with unstable people, so, to keep them upright, I stabilized them and hit the ice myself. Right on my tail bone. I got up in serious pain, but tried to ignore it. Until the second time I went down, landing right on the same spot. After that, I could barely walk, so I got off the ice and took off my skates. Sitting came as a painful issue as well, so my friends told me to call my mum because I couldn’t drive myself and get to the hospital.

Mum came and helped me into my own car. The short trip to the nearby hospital was absolute agony. Every bump and turn left me in pain. At the hospital, we entered and found several other groups of people from the rink. I’m pretty sure the hospital staff wondered what the heck was going on down there to have so many young adults sustaining injuries! One group of Polynesian guys were there with their friend who needed stitches. He’d fallen over, and a friend skated over his hand.

Anyway, it turned out that I had dislocated my coccyx, aka my tailbone. They gave me pain meds because that was all they could do. It’s not like they could put a cast on it or anything! I was told it would heal itself eventually. However, I had exams to sit, and I couldn’t sit! When I went in the next morning to work out what to do for my biology exam, my friends got a real kick out of my injury. Being a bio exam, we’d had to memorize the bones as part of the course material, so they knew exactly what and where the coccyx was and laughed so hard about it.

I also started to feel nauseous during this Tuesday, and with my mum driving me everywhere, she started to notice me looking a bit green. On my way home from my voice lesson, I asked her to pull over. I threw up on the side of the highway. Turns out, codeine doesn’t agree with me, so we had to get me different pain meds. It was good to know as over the years I have been in situations where having codeine would have been far worse to discover my allergy to it than at that moment.

Anyway, I finished my exams using a donut cushion, and sat my biology exam during the end of the testing period. After exams, I jetted off to the U.S.A. First stop: California. Because parks! I had a friend with me, so we had park hopper passes for Disneyland, California Adventure, Universal, San Diego Zoo, and Seaworld. Since it was the week of July 4^th, we decided to go to the zoo on the 4^th because the other parks would be packed. It was still a busy week, but I think it was the best choice. Every night Disneyland let off fireworks, and on the 4^th we watched the main show while having dinner. I love parks, which I mentioned earlier, so I had a blast that week.

The next three weeks I spent in Arizona. My friend stayed with me for one of those two weeks before flying back. My friend when I was an exchange student took us to the Science Museum in Phoenix. I also spent time with another friend who had spent time in hospital for overnights due to a serious accident. We had been friends when I was an exchange student, but we had talked almost daily during her time in the hospital as it was late in Arizona, and I was usually just getting home from my classes.

I had also agreed to spend time with the guy friend. That first week I didn’t see him much probably because I had my friend with me. I also spent time with my oldest host brother’s fiancé as she made plans and gushed over my host brother. She and I were friends when I was an exchange student, so I enjoyed seeing her so happy.

But, if I wanted this guy friend to do something, I needed to give him a nudge. I started with trying to tell his younger brother that I was interested, but, his younger brother was useless. Next, I told his best friend who I knew had a big mouth and would spill the beans. And, as I anticipated, he did. This was Sunday. My friend who came with me left during the day the next day on Monday.

Monday evening, this guy showed up at my host family’s house. A bunch of us from the neighborhood decided to play capture the flag, so he joined in. During the game, I snuck into the alley to slip around behind where the flag was being guarded. As I crept, someone called my name. I swung around to find the guy barreling after me. Thinking he had ended up on the other team, I ran for it. But he was fast and caught up with me. Turns out, he wasn’t on the other team and we walked back talking the whole way. He was no longer the shy guy I had known as an exchange student and spoke confidently with me and made me laugh.

Two days later, while on our way to institute, he called my host sister’s phone. She answered and handed it to me, giving me a “What is this about?” look.

My friend asked me on a date. I was delighted. He picked me up from the institute building and we went to see a movie. While waiting for the movie, we walked around nearby shops. To my surprise, he took my hand and held it. Throughout the evening he was charming, sweet, and made me laugh over and over.

At the end, as we approached his car to go home, he stopped me during our conversation and kissed me. I couldn’t believe he kissed me, just like that! His mission had brought out a more confident side of him, while the sweet guy I’d been friends with remained.

On Monday 21^st July, 2008, I wrote, “we went away with his family… to a ranch to visit (his sister) who was working there as it is her birthday today.” His mother had invited me to go because I had been friends with his younger sister since my time as an exchange student and she was disappointed I’d be in town when she wasn’t.

The drive up there and the time we spent together drew me to him. Of him, I said, “He makes me so happy and I feel safe with him…. He wants to be with me no matter what… I love that he comes to me when he sees me, or that he signals for me to come with him. That I’m not a waste of his time or a burden to him. I love that he always wants to kiss me, and that he wants me to kiss him and doesn’t make me feel stupid or cheap when I do…. I love that he wants to protect me from everything but lets me be my normal stupid self.

“I love that I am so comfortable with him. We can talk endlessly about everything, then sit quietly and just enjoy each other’s company…

“Most of all, I love his heart. He is an easy-going, kind, and gentle man who loves the gospel. I know that he wants to do things the Lord’s way and that he has a testimony of the gospel.”

I was falling for him for sure, and he while we had been kissing prior to this trip, stopped and told me he loved me. While on the trip, we began talking about marriage. Fast, yes. I had apprehensions, but he seemed so eager and I admired him greatly, so I took it to the Lord. It was Sunday and we’d had a mini sacrament meeting at the ranch. I retired to the room and spent the next while on my own sorting out my feelings and praying about what to do.

The thoughts from convention earlier that year came to mind; set a date in oh-eight, the prompting while watching the movie that I would marry this man. So, I ran through all my apprehensions before I asked, “should I marry him?”

First off, the Lord shook off all my worries. He showed me that what mattered was that I cared about him and I wanted to be with someone who had a good heart more than anything. Then, He answered my question of if I should marry him with a resounding yes. Peace wafted over me. Warmth filled my heart. The Lord told me I would be greatly blessed if I followed through and married this man. He was a good man who wanted to do the right things and follow the teaching of the gospel.

And so, later that day, I emerged. We didn’t have the opportunity to be alone for several hours, but when we did, I told him that I had prayed about marrying him like he’d asked, and received a yes.

I can’t say I was really in love with him at that point either. I liked him a whole lot, but my decision to marry him relied purely on faith. However, red flags began to wave even then. When his mother found out, she pulled me aside and questioned my motives. Why would I want to marry him? Wouldn’t I be more interested in my still single host brother? When I said I liked the way he made me laugh, she looked at me like I was insane. Everyone else seemed happy for us, so I let it slide and didn’t think much on it.

When we arrived back at my host family’s home, I called my mum back in Australia to talk it over. She said that if I had felt it was the right choice, then she would support me whole heartedly. I don’t think I mention how much I love my parents and how amazing they are. Even though they knew they’d lose me, they never stopped supporting me and guiding me through the process.

After I told her, I told my host mother. She said it was no surprise, especially when I asked to call home and spoke for more than an hour to my mum. She was happy for me, though, and like my own mother, her support has never wavered.

News spread fast. My friend who had messaged me from her hospital bed helped him pick out and purchase an engagement ring for me. Since we didn’t have much time as I was leaving at the end of the week, at first he bought me a stunning promise ring and saved up for a proper engagement ring. He took me to the Mesa Temple grounds and proposed to me properly there, down on one knee and everything, and gave me the ring. Despite the fact that it was July in Arizona, I don’t remember the heat suffocating me, I just remember being incredibly happy. It was his twenty-second birthday.

Afterward, we had dinner at his home, I returned and said my goodbyes to my host family and he took me to the airport to go home.

Back at university, my friends were shocked. Engaged? They didn’t know I was dating anyone! But, the good friends they were, they supported me and got excited with me. They wanted to see pictures of him and of the wedding dress, they examined my ring, and attended our engagement party when he came over in November.

People at church were less shocked. Some of my friends even teased me and said of course a trip to Mormonville in America would result in me being engaged.

Still, I didn’t feel truly in love with him. It came slowly for me. I can’t pinpoint an exact moment where I was like, “Wow, I really love him.” In fact, when he came to visit in November, my apprehensions resurfaced. He went to a regional YSA dance with me where I had tons of friends and, admittedly, dances were my thing. He lacked any enthusiasm for it, and we ended up sitting outside for most of it because he didn’t want to be there. Red flag, yes, but I chalked it up to differences in likes.

During his visit, I swear half the ward threatened him. If he hurt me, they would destroy him. I laughed it off because I knew how much they loved me. But he voiced his annoyance about it.

I had grown irritated that he seemed uninterested in my world, so I took it to the Lord. He reassured me of my decision and said to trust that I would be blessed. So, plans moved forward.

I finished my year of university and said goodbye to my friends there. I was heavy hearted to not be continuing with them and considered postponing the marriage until I could complete my degree. However, I could tell my fiancé wouldn’t wait that long as he had grown antsy waiting, especially as all his friends married over the months we were apart. I also felt that I needed to marry him then and not wait, as the Lord had a plan for me.

By the morning of the wedding, I had love for my soon-to-be husband. He was a good man, and, despite the constant issues I had with his mother’s obvious disapproval of me, I trusted that the Lord would guide me through. And, as if as a sign, the sealer we had for our wedding spoke and looked similar to my grandad. I stared at this man as he spoke to us, in awe of his similarities, and I knew the Lord was sending me a message.

At the altar, I watched my husband as we married and I knew then that I loved him. I knew that I would do all I could to grow that love and be a good companion with him. I felt the Lord wrap me in warmth as He approved of my feelings and the covenants I made. He blessed me to feel that love for my husband.

And so, my new life began. A married life. A life in a different country. One where more often than not, I found myself… alone.