Chapter ??: Decline

 After years of generally being content in my marriage, something shifted. My husband never seemed to find job satisfaction and his inability to manage money added stress to our relationship. However, I was not naive and I knew finances often caused strain in marriage. He was attending college part time and coming close to earning his associates. I encouraged him to complete the classes, and often took the girls out when he needed some quiet to do online work. I knew that in the long run finishing college would benefit our family and maybe, hopefully, alleviate some of the financial strain and consequently the strain between us.

Between semesters, he made the decision to go to train as a realtor rather than do the next semester of college. Like most of his decisions, he made it without talking to me, but rather told me what was going to happen. I figured if he wanted to do something and it would finally make him happy, then he should do it. He promised once he had completed the realtor school he would return and finish his college, so I trusted him and supported him.

When he finished realtor school, he signed on with an agency. Keeping up the fees that came along with it would place an added strain to our already tight income, especially because he kept talking about quitting his job to focus entirely on drumming up clients.

I was not a fan of him quitting his day job. Real estate is commissions, and he had little to none lined up. Somehow, I managed to talk him out of quitting. Meanwhile, I grew concerned he would quit anyway, because he had a habit of coming home and telling me, By the way, I quit today. My mind turned to me getting a job. I agonized over this as our youngest was just over a year old. I felt the need to stay home with her and to raise her the best I could, and like I felt I needed to do, but, if I hoped to help my husband keep the family afloat, I needed to work.

I prayed over the issue extensively, until I received the prompting to apply to work part time at a school. So, I did. As soon as I began to apply, my husband told me to look for full time positions starting at a minimum of $14 an hour. Coincidentally, that was what he was making. He wanted me to be the breadwinner so he could quit. Except I wanted to be a mother, not the breadwinner, and I felt that was what was most important.

It didn’t take me long to find a job. My second interview at the schools landed me an almost instantaneous offer. I had another interview the next day, so I asked to have that interview before I accepted. They agreed. Except, over the next twenty-four hours I felt a strong pull to take the position. It felt right, even if it was six hours less a week than the position I was interviewing for, and also $2 less an hour. So, after the interview, even though I hadn’t received a response from the later interview, I accepted the job offer with the elementary school.

My husband was not happy with me. The twenty-nine hours at minimum wage was not enough of an income to allow him to quit. He pestered me to keep looking for other work, despite my explanations of how this would fit into our eldest’s school schedule and I would have more time at home with our youngest. My income was supposed to be supplemental, to assist him with alleviating the pressure on our finances enough to manage some real estate and get the ball rolling. To him, this job meant I was being unsupportive and that was all he could see. He refused to see that I needed to be a mother first, but I was doing everything I could to help him.

I thoroughly enjoyed my job. Once I settled into it, I found wonderful friendships with my coworkers and fell in love with the kids. It became a reprieve from the strain of my marriage. Things at home began to slowly decline. At first, it was little things. A snide remark here, a small insult there. I would bite back because I didn’t like being insulted and belittled and so arguments would break out. He stopped telling me I was beautiful, and I, with lingering postpartum depression and image issues due to the significant weight gain over the years, began to believe he found me repulsive. It didn’t help that he would turn down my sexual advances, but I would find him often relieving his own needs.

Meanwhile, I was struggling with finding people to watch my youngest while I worked. My husband refused to pay for daycare, and so I had to beg and plead for people to watch her for as little as $10 a day. He never helped me find people to watch her. He would tell me that was my job. His parents watched her once a week, begrudgingly. I found it frustrating that they called me unsupportive of my husband, yet they didn’t support me working and made it clear watching their granddaughter was a hassle. Eventually, they told me they wouldn’t watch her anymore. So, I had to scramble to find someone else willing to watch her for pennies. When I found someone who said they would watch her for $15 a day, my husband got after me for it being too much money and tried to force me to find someone else. I refused to budge, which made him upset and again, tension grew.

On July 2^nd, 2017, I wrote, “As much as I’ve enjoyed working at the school and working with the kids, I’ve been getting some serious mommy guilt about leaving (my youngest). She’s such a sweetie, and I feel like other people are raising her. I wish (my husband) would get serious about working to earn more so I can be with our children.” My frustration had grown, and I was feeling the strain. Despite this, my entry remained positive, talking about the fun we were having camping, my time at summer school with my oldest, and my efforts with weight loss using HCG shots.

By the summer break however, I was thinking about leaving my husband. He had broken his promise to return to college, he had done nothing with his real estate, and the insults and bullying was slowly increasing.

I went to visit my family in Australia that break. My parents were about to leave on their mission, and my sister had recently had her first baby. The three weeks down there I viewed as a break from him to clear my head and refocus on what to do. Friday, August 4^th I wrote, “Before I left, I was broken. I went to Australia needing a break from everything, especially my marriage. I was considering the pro’s and con’s of leaving (him) because I felt like there’s no love in our marriage anymore and despite my efforts to support him and keep our family afloat financially, emotionally, and spiritually, all I was getting in return was ignored, yelled at, and emotionally abused. Sundays were always a huge fight when all I wanted was to get to church on time. Every day I would get both girls ready and out of the house before he even got out of bed. He wouldn’t even get up to read scriptures with us. I got no attention, no praise, no thank yous, and our sex life had fizzled into basically nothing…

“I hate that he bought himself a brand new car with a car payment using money from my book sales that I had planned to use to pay off some debts. Now we have another debt on our plate and he’s more in love with his car than me and the kids….

“The point is, I left the U.S. considering what it would cost me and the girls to leave him to all his selfish madness. He thinks he’s head of the house, but all he does is think of himself and dictates what will happen in our lives. He yells at me when I make my own decisions. Our biggest fights are when I decide to do something on my own accord, or I want to do something other than his dictated outline. I was miserable. I was lonely, brokenhearted, and I hated myself. The worst part was that I LET it get that way.”

I fasted every Sunday while I was in Australia and attended the temple to help me find direction. My focus turned to the Lord. As I said in the same entry, “I used to receive inspiration with ease… But it’s been years since I felt the Lord’s hand guiding me.” I resolved to be open to every voice He placed before me and be conscious and sensitive to any direction I might receive.

My efforts didn’t go unnoticed! It was as if the Lord had been standing at that door just waiting for me to crack it open. All the revelations seemed to have built up like a clog in a pipe and with the opening of the door, they rushed over me.

Of my experience in the temple, I wrote, “It hit me, (my husband) hadn’t been hearkening to the Lord, but to himself. So I needed to listen to the Lord for the sake of my family… I knew the Lord wanted me to step up.”

My entry from this time says it all quite clearly, so I will quote directly from it for now.

“So, I sought out how He wanted me to do that. As the mother, my primary role is to care for my girls, so I trusted He would show me the best path. (My husband) wants me to work forty hours a week, but that felt wrong to me. Heavenly Father wants me to raise His children and be their example of womanhood. Right now, I’m showing them how to be an emotionally abused, broken, doormat wife. I need to show them that they can be smart, strong, and instruments in the Lord’s hands.

“So, I took on that angle; how can I be the example the Lord wants me to be for my girls?

“Meanwhile, an old friend was placed before me. I have known this woman since I was younger than (my oldest, who was six). She is one of the most beautiful people I know, inside and out. But she had a disastrous marriage. She opened up to me… about her experiences and the events leading up to, around, and after her divorce. Hearing her story broke my heart, but I knew I wasn’t in the same boat as her. She explained how now she has different priorities for a spouse and I agreed with her (priorities); Loves the Lord completely and everything follows from there. She also explained that before they married, she was prompted to call things off. I was never prompted to do that. In fact, I remember clearly receiving confirmation to marry (my husband) and being with him was the right choice and the Lord would bless me. Because of that, I knew I could trust my decision and the Lord would provide a way for our marriage to work as long as I stay true and faithful and seek His counsel.

“So, (my friend) inspired me to find a new angle. Things in my marriage aren’t as bad as they could be, and they are issues the Lord can help me overcome. Armed with a new resolve to find a path to mend our marriage and be the example of womanhood my daughters need, I set out in search of the Lord’s answers.

“They came fairly quickly after that. I think the Lord needed to change my heart and open my eyes first. The answer came that I needed to return to school and finish an education degree. I’ve felt for a while that I need to be a teacher, so although this prompting wasn’t surprising, it was enlightening. About a year ago I felt the powerful urge to return to school, but due to the lack of finances, support, and the need for me to work, it fell through. But it’s so strong now. He made it clear that I need to start in the new year and save up as much as I can while working this semester so I can… focus on my children and schooling. I grew very excited to have the heavens open to me again and I felt deeply happy for the first time in a long time. That, for me, tells me my answer is what the Lord wants…”

More revelation is written in here, but it is too painful to recount. Because I was unable to follow through with it, the blessings I had felt would come from it never came to fruition. The blessings promised would have saved my marriage. However, my husband had lost any ounce of spiritual sensitivity and fought me regarding the topic anytime I raised it for discussion. He told me my revelations were false and stupid and he refused to listen. It breaks my heart to read the promises I was given back in 2017 for if I would follow the Lord’s will, but I was unable to obey due to my husband’s refusal to hear me.

After the revelations given, I wrote, “But I knew getting all that would be an uphill battle. (My husband) has no money skills and refuses to see anything outside of his personal expectations. So, I asked the Lord to help me. The Lord replied, “That’s all I’ve been waiting for.” From every direction, His answers flew at me. (My husband) and I needed to do the self-reliance classes, specifically the finances class, and until he can show responsible spending, I need to keep my income out of his grasp. I can then be a protective barrier for his poor money skills and begin building a savings for education and our girls.

“I needed to push (my husband) to find better work because his work as a realtor isn’t going to be a blessing to us anytime in the near future. He needs to prove his ability to manage money selflessly before we will be blessed like that. The Lord has given (my husband) direction, but he doesn’t listen to it.

“On the flip side, I haven’t played my part either. The Lord saw that I am flexible where (my husband) is rigid. I am adaptable, where (my husband) refuses to change. I am long suffering, whereas (my husband) is short tempered. I was supposed to soften him, but I failed so I am paying the consequences. But I am determined to change that.

“It’s up to me to heed the Lord and teach (my husband) how to find the Lord’s desires for us so (my husband) can lead our family in righteousness. It was my responsibility to teach (my husband), but I failed. I won’t fail anymore.

“I know (my husband) will fight and resist me, but I cannot deny what the Lord has revealed to me. So I will stay the course the Lord has placed before me no matter how hard I’m kicked and bruised. In the long run, I have been promised a beautiful marriage and a happy family as long as I obey. So I will obey, no matter what. I love my Father in Heaven and my Savior too much to deny the things revealed to me, or to back down on what they have shone a light on. They have provided a way.”

And so, my time in Australia set me on course. I was right too, my husband resisted me at every turn. When I told him I wanted to go back to school, he told me I was being stupid and selfish. He forbid me from quitting work to focus on schooling and our children. When he discovered I had set up a bank account to place my paychecks to help curb his spending, he yelled at me for twenty minutes, then went and set up his own bank account to keep money away from me. He played tit for tat, and refused to listen to anything I felt prompted by the Spirit to say or do. I felt like I had married a teenager with all his temper tantrums and belittling of me, but I gritted my teeth and pushed through. The Lord had told me to stick to it, and so, I would. When I made arrangements to do the finances class, he went briefly, then refused to go. He said it was because I humiliated him, but no one felt that way. The class was about learning and growing, and I had asked questions to help both of us. I had never sought out his humiliation, but rather, I wanted us to grow together in developing money management skills in the way the Lord intended. Everyone else asked similar questions, and other spouses pointed the finger at one enough just about every week. However, like what was becoming frequent, I was to blame for all my husband’s problems and I was supposed to fix all of them while making him feel like he was the one in charge and fixing them.

My work situation was still in question as well. While I still felt I needed to go to school, my husband had made it clear I wasn’t allowed to quit working. I prayed fervently over a course to take, and my answer came as simply, “Trust Me.”

I feel like that’s been the catchphrase of my life ever since. I cannot count the times I’ve gone to the Lord begging for direction because I am out of ideas and He simply says, “Trust Me.” I’ve learned now that when He tells me that to let go, sit back, and watch miracles unfold.

This time, He opened my eyes wide. The librarian at the school where I worked was retiring and they needed to fill her position. One of the aides qualified and would be filling the job. That, however, opened up a fifteen-hour position, and my team leader asked me if I would like to take it. That would be fourteen less hours a week, fourteen hours I could be with my youngest and working on college classes! I couldn’t believe how easily and perfectly it all fell into place, and all right after the Lord told me to trust Him. I couldn’t stop the prayers of gratitude!

However, when I recounted with great excitement how things had panned out to my husband, he scoffed at me and told me I was being stupid. It wasn’t the Lord, he told me, just coincidence and I was seeing things that weren’t actually there. This really perturbed me. I walked away from him, feeling like I’d lost him. It was in that moment I knew he had lost any ounce of faith. It hurt my heart, but I’m obnoxiously stubborn and I refused to give up fighting. We had been sealed in the temple, and so help me, that meant everything and I would fight with everything I had to ensure that covenant remained intact.

I signed up for the BYU-I Pathway program to ease back into my studies. My husband showed clear signs of not being pleased about it, but I ignored it. The Lord’s will had more sway with me by this point, and my husband’s foul demeanor and bullying was having less of an affect on my decisions. During General Conference on October 1^st, 2017, I wrote my thoughts after the completion of conference regarding my education: “Earning this degree will make me an instrument in the Lord’s hands somehow. Being a teacher… is an important way for the Lord to bring His light to others in the future.”

Pathway began in January 2018, and so did my position working fifteen hours a week. Less hours working and getting back into studying relieved so much of my stress and brought me happiness. I could be with my little girl more and I began my journey down the road the Lord had directed me to take.

During this time, my husband did exactly what I had been expected him to eventually do; he quit his job. For the fifth time during our marriage. Thankfully, I had built a little nest egg for savings. Although, I did not realize he was raking up more debts behind my back. He wanted to focus on real estate, so I tried to keep calm. With the extra time, surely he could get out and canvas areas and drum up clients. He didn’t. In fact, I’m not really sure what he did with his time. He had a couple of clients with friends, but that was it. In hindsight, I know what he was doing with his time, viewing pornography, most of which was homosexual, and it alarms me to think he had our youngest in the house with him, risking exposing her to it.

Hindsight is a remarkable thing. As part of the divorce, I submitted pages of screenshots and photographs to my attorney to help fight my case to protect my children from what I knew my husband was doing. I thought my attorney would take hold of all the drinking and driving and use it as evidence of possible child endangerment, but he took hold of something else entirely. As a result, the judge ordered a psycho-sexual evaluation on my husband. Part of the evaluation revealed my husband had begun his porn addiction three years earlier. It didn’t surprise me then that our marriage had begun its nosedive at about that time. Thinking back, I could see things shifted between us at that time, and the spirit left our home then too.

The year continued, and we entered summer break. This meant we had no income whatsoever. This was frightening, but my husband kept telling me everything would be fine. Tight, but fine. Since he withheld all his commissions from real estate from me, I figured he had built up a savings from the few sales he had made. We went on a trip to San Diego and to Oregon that summer, and we seemed to be doing okay. I ended up having to use my credit more than I wanted before I started getting money again from work, but we didn’t fold. Yet, anyway.

During that summer, I was offered a position at my daughter’s school. It would pay more and would be thirty-five hours a week. After struggling for many months, the position was too good to be true. Working close to my child and earning a bigger paycheck? It was a no brainer. I would be doing classes I knew I could manage with the bigger workload, so I felt comfortable with juggling my schooling as well.

The initial adjustment was rough. The longer hours and shifting to SpEd proved difficult and tested my abilities. Our finances weren’t bouncing back either, so I began getting short tempered with my husband. He needed work other than real estate. He needed a steady income because I was growing tired from carrying everything. He saw this as being unsupportive and grew increasingly angry with me. Exasperated, I dug my heels in on this. How was I being unsupportive when I was working thirty-five hours a week, studying, and being expected to manage and maintain our house and family as well? All I wanted was for him to step up and bring in an income so we didn’t lose our home and to get back on track.

By this point, I had also received some disturbing revelation. I needed to work on my education and build up a savings because I wouldn’t have my husband for much longer. I needed to become self-reliant of him to keep myself and my girls afloat and moving forward. I remember when I first received this information. It was an odd moment. I can’t find when it happened exactly, because my journal entries are sparse during this time and consist mostly of spiritual notes taken from conferences, Time Out For Women, and other scripture and church studies. Pathway had given me a spiritual shot in the arm and I went from spiritual starvation to spiritual feasting. This shift in closeness to the spirit was what opened me up to such a revelation. And so, one morning while I was in the bathroom and pondering on the direction I needed to take with my education and work and how to best support my husband by using them, the revelation unfolded. I was staring at my hands as it came, I remember that much. The Lord told me I needed to work hard on my studies so I could establish a career as a teacher. This would be important because soon I would not have my husband. In fact, I felt impressed that we would not make it much past our ten-year anniversary. I thought it was because he wasn’t maintaining his diabetes and it would kill him prematurely or something the likes. Divorce was never something I gave serious thought to, especially after my experiences in Australia that told me to stick to it. The revelation alarmed me, and, in fear that maybe I could have possibly made it up, I kept it to myself. At least, for a short while. Eventually, with the revelation weighing on me, I told my mum. She was concerned as well, but offered me comfort in that people can make choices to change and maybe, on our current course, things would end up that way, but I could change it with my choices.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t my choices that were leading us down that path.