Son of a Pitch Round 3

Here is Round 3 of Son of a Pitch! I am so proud of the efforts of all involved to take the critiques and improve and refine their queries. Although these are the final twenty, they are by no means the only fantastic entries, so we wish the best of luck to everyone who learned something from Son of a Pitch. Great job to all, and good luck to the final twenty.

Now, here are the links:

The Social Season

Dylan

Killer's Day Off

Cheater, Faker, Troublemaker

The Bookshop

Silver & Ice

The Light Witch

Lunar Base Lost

The Iceni and the Roman

The Ramblin' Hand of Sherry Anne

Deadly Dreams

Unqueenly

Playing God

Prisoner of Fate

The Deserved

Empathy: Imminent Dawn

Lucid

A World Apart

No Rest for the Wicked

A Tulip in Winter

Son of a Pitch Entry: The Social Season

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Title: The Social Season

Category and Genre: Adult Speculative Fiction

Word Count: 110,000

Query:

The forty-fourth Social Season isn’t optional for Natalie James. She’s being forced to participate, a stipulation from her trial for treason back when she was a child.

Desperate, Natalie must try to use the system to her advantage. Her plan is to go unnoticed through the various events, meant to showcase the qualities that would make her a good wife, mistress, or servant to a member of the elite.

If she succeeds, she’ll be able to marry her best friend, a man who won’t control her and will help her take down the tyrannical government controlling their lives.

There’s just one problem. While searching for weaknesses in the government, she’s caught trespassing by one of the most powerful men in the city: Nicholas Olsen, future lord of Dolfian.

Under orders from his father to find a wife, Nicholas is simply uninterested in the boring, obedient women offered through the Season. 

When he catches Natalie, however, Nicholas finds himself intrigued. And he’s determined to make her his wife, a task that will please both his family and his city.

Most girls in the Season would be delighted by his proclamation. But Natalie isn’t most girls, and she has no plans to let Nicholas Olsen take over her life and mark her as his legal property.

When Nicholas bends the rules of the Season to go after what he so desperately wants, Natalie must use every tool at her disposal to remain free from his control.

Told in alternating points of view, THE SOCIAL SEASON is a work of speculative fiction complete at 110,000 words.

First 250 words: 

I was pacing in my father’s office, searching for an escape route from this horrid conversation. He’d doubtless spent many hours crafting this particular speech. It had been lingering at the edge of our meetings for months now. My hands clenched into fists.

The wood floor creaked as I made another turn. I tuned it out, focusing instead on my father’s words. “Son, it’s time for you to choose. I’m not saying it has to be this season. I’ll give you…let’s say…three seasons. But you will attend each one until you’ve claimed a mate. Do you understand?”

He was just barely speaking, his voice a bit louder than a whisper. He didn’t need to yell. I’d spent enough time with him to know when to argue. But I’d no interest in a wife; I didn’t need a woman following me around, groveling at my feet.

“Father.” I planted my feet. He was reclining in his chair, staring up at me expectantly. He looked perfectly calm.

I swallowed heavily, trying to find a solid argument. “I’m only twenty-five. I’ve been training under you for five years now. I shadowed you for a long time before that. Don’t you think I should be able to relax for just a bit before I take on a wife? And if I’m going to be the next Lord of Dolfian, do you really think I should be distracted? Why don’t I go through a season looking for a servant or a mistr-”

I broke off quickly, seeing his eyes narrow. He dropped his hands to the desk and pushed himself upright. I forced myself to stay perfectly still, hiding my fear just like he’d taught me. I’d gone too far in my desperation. But I wouldn’t apologize.

Son of a Pitch Entry: Dylan

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Title: Dylan
Category and Genre: Literary Fiction/Magical Realism
Word Count: 70K
Query: 
A FORREST GUMP meets PRACTICAL MAGIC tale.

Most everyone in the family calls Dylan “slow.” Worse, his abusive mother claims he’s wicked. He might not think fast, and it takes him awhile to form the words he wants, but Dylan has magic. He can spin marbles from oyster shells, and whip up Chicken Alfredo by tapping his thumbs together. In fact, he hopes to be a famous chef someday and put his magic to good use. Right now, the only one to appreciate his supernatural abilities is his loving uncle and caretaker, a disabled Vietnam veteran. When Uncle Jim dies, Dylan’s Aunt Agnes sells the house the two lived in, and ships Dylan off to an adult boarding home. There Dylan meets an equally gifted but troubled young lady named Liona.

With a rocky beginning, Dylan finally finds a friend in Liona whose mind-reading abilities makes it easier for him to communicate. Just when he settles into his new life a precious gift from his deceased uncle is destroyed. Despondent, Dylan flees to the beach and the oyster beds where he feels most at home, and where his magical empowerment comes from. His old Vietnamese friend, Tim Lan offers him a room in his shanty in exchange for his magically-made pearls. Dylan is tormented by the suspect requests of Tim Lan, for the old man takes his pearls to town and they mysteriously disappear. He’s muddled by his feelings for Liona for he’s never had a girlfriend before. His nightmare ensues when his drug addicted mother, who had once washed her hands of him, returns to exploit his gifts. He’s never stood up to her, and he risks losing everything he’s worked for - his relationship with Liona, with Tim Lan, and any hopes of independence - if he lets her destroy him.

250 Words:

By the time I was eighteen I didn’t care what Aunt Agnes said about me. I was happy. I had the two things that I needed most. Uncle Jim, and magic.

“He doesn’t connect the dots right,” Aunt Agnes complained to my cousin Shirley the night she drove me and Uncle Jim home from my graduation ceremony. My cousin always sat in front whenever we went anywhere. 
Shirley looked over her shoulder at me and scoffed while Aunt Agnes kept talking. “He can’t carry on a civil conversation. In fact, I don’t know if he is past the third-grade level of reading.”

I rolled my eyes. But Uncle Jim growled and then went into a coughing fit. He didn’t say anything though. How could he? He was facing the back of the van sitting in a wheel chair behind me. Once we got home, Aunt Agnes lowered the lift, and Uncle Jim steam-rolled into the house. I followed him inside with Aunt Agnes at my heels. Uncle Jim threw his baseball cap on the couch, and grumbled something fierce, maneuvering his chair through the litter in our living room. I could see a fight coming because Aunt Agnes and Uncle Jim fought a lot. Usually about me. I appreciated his support, but I didn’t like him yelling. The noise reminded me of my mother and the wicked years. I dodged into my room and waited for Aunt Agnes to leave, holding my hands over my ears until the front door slammed.

Son of a Pitch Entry: Killer's Day Off

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Title:  KILLER'S DAY OFF

Category and Genre:  Adult Urban Fantasy
Word Count:  84,000

Query:

Eleven doesn’t feel like killing the President of the United States today. Every other profession gets sick days, so why not genetically-enhanced android super-assassins? Unfortunately, that’s not how his owner/creator/father-figure, Simon Cordova, sees it. A few threats, a little brainwashing, and Eleven is off to the White House.

Only when he gets there, he finds that Simon has lied to him about Eleven being the only android around. Sure, meeting this other guy doesn’t stop Eleven from killing Mr. President, but it certainly raises some questions, such as ‘Why has Simon lied to me?’ and ‘What am I?’ and ‘Why the hell am I being brainwashed?’

Except those answers need to wait, because this job didn’t end in DC. No, it followed Eleven home and found where his friends live.

Now Eleven has to protect those around him while working through a budding existential crisis. But none of that will stop him from finding answers to every one of his questions, even if it takes a few explosions, abundant violence, and at least one hostage situation to do so.

First 250:

“What?” Agent Olsen’s voice hissed through the telephone. “You’re calling out sick from assassinating the president?”

“Yeah, sorry about that.” I nestled the phone between my head and shoulder while I pulled the bag of Cheetos open. Olsen probably heard it, but who cares? “I’m just feeling a little under the weather.”

“Under the weather?” Static screeched over the line, the cords and tubes of the phone company cracking under the pressure of Olsen’s rage. “You’re a genetically modified android, Eleven. You can’t feel under the weather!”

“Oh, did I say I felt sick? Meant to say tired.” I kicked my shoes off into the rest of the junk comprising my man-cave apartment, then fell backwards onto the couch. “Didn’t sleep very well last night. Etcetera.”

Static hissed through the phone again before Olsen’s voice simmered down enough to be heard. “—any idea how much time and money and planning went into—“

I pulled the phone away from my ear and glared at it. I had nearly four years of perfect attendance under my belt, and they couldn’t give me even one damned vacation day? Sometimes people just weren’t up to the task of going outside and being productive—or, in my case, murdering politicians in cold blood. Today was definitely one of those off days for me.

Hopefully Agent Olsen and his boss could understand that. If not, then my status as a badass super-assassin earned me some other undeniable privileges.

Son of a Pitch Entry: Cheater. Faker. Troublemaker

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Title: Cheater. Faker. Troublemaker
Category and Genre: NA Contemporary Romance
Word Count: 80,000

Query:

When it comes to losing her virginity, seventeen-year-old Alex has every intention of waiting for “the one.” Problem is, she’s attracted to trouble. After a traumatic breakup leaves her emotionally scarred and therapy pushes her to a breaking point, Alex departs from her New Jersey hometown to stay with her cousin, Caleigh, in L.A. hoping to distance herself from boy trouble for the summer.

Enter, Elias King, eighteen-year-old whirlwind with a reputation for tearing through girls and leaving a string of broken hearts behind. After barely surviving a tragic accident that resulted in the death of his girlfriend, Elias relies on drugs, alcohol, and sex to drown his pain.

When Elias’s addictions nearly leave him homeless, his brother offers him a place to stay at his girlfriend Caleigh’s house, complete with a new roommate tailor-made to clean up his act. Alex and Elias find themselves sharing a space in Caleigh's tiny guest room, and their night-and-day personality differences set them on the warpath.

Though the two try to deny their intense sexual attraction, a simple bet changes the game. Alex wagers she can keep him sober and one-night-stand free for the rest of the summer, while Elias bets he can steal her heart and seduce her in less than thirty days.

But if Elias loses, he has to spill the dark secret surrounding the death of his ex. If Alex fails, she has to reveal her virgin status to Elias. But she can't just tell him, she'll have to show him. 

CHEATER.FAKER.TROUBLEMAKER is a dual POV new adult contemporary novel complete at 80,000 words with series potential.

First 250 Words:

Dear Nobody,

Today, I socked my therapist in the face. He didn't call the cops. Maybe he thinks I'm making progress. This journal is supposed to be a start—at least, that's what he says. But I hate doing what he says so I think I'll stop here.

-Alex.

Okay, wait, that looks bad. I'll start over.

Dear Nobody,

I'm not a violent person.

Really.

Ask anybody—except maybe my therapist because he'll probably tell you I'm lying. The thing is, Dr. Harris just had one of those punch-able faces—mousy, judgmental, portrait of a shrink who knew nothing about genuinely helping people, and everything about making things worse.

Plus, he asked for it—literally.

He said that if I was still angry at my situation I could let it out, so I did. He just wasn't expecting my way of coping to involve a fist and the bridge of his nose. People say you're not supposed to hit a girl, but there's no rule that says you can't pop a guy if you feel like it. And, I'd felt like it since he started our session.

"Do you still have romantic feelings towards your ex-boyfriend, Alex?"

What do you think?

"Do you blame yourself for the situation?"

No comment.

"Have you forgiven him?"

Are you joking?

"Forgiveness is the first step towards—" and that's when I hit him.

Son of a Pitch: The Bookshop

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Title: The Bookshop

Category and Genre: YA Fantasy
Word Count: 70,000

Query:

For Alex, sheltering from the London rain inside an infinite bookshop is one thing. Being
locked inside and forced to serve inter-dimensional customers until the Bookshop decides
she's a worthy proprietor? Well, that's just one step too far. Becoming the proprietor of a
Bookshop full of unlimited knowledge and doors to new universes might well give a certain
level of indomitability to the right person -- but Alex knows that's definitely not her. She’s
determined to get home, universe-hopping be damned.

Meanwhile, Hunter, the mysterious supplier of books and sundry, is desperate to take the
power of the Bookshop for himself. He will stop at nothing -- taking the last teabag, finishing
the milk, or threatening death and disaster -- to get what he wants. When he gets caught up in
an inter-dimensional plot gone murder-levels of sour, and both Alex’s life and the very
existence of the Bookshop are in danger of going up in flames.

Then a stranger from another world stumbles into the Bookshop, close to death and raving
madly, and a new door is unlocked. Now Alex must choose between escape -- turning the
infinite power of the Bookshop over to a madman and his enemies -- or never seeing home
again.

First 250 Words:

One last story, I suppose. I’m sorry in advance if it isn’t exactly the one you want to 
hear. 
But you must understand: back then, I didn’t realise the boy was important.

Chapter One: ALEX

Two croissants have appeared in the cupboard overnight.

Literally appeared.

I’m trying not to think about it too much.

The window seat not being the most ideal place to sleep, overnight I have become 
Alex, the Human Cramp. Not the greatest way to wake up. So I stretch, nice and slow. 
Tie my hair up in a messy bun. Cup of tea. Jam, cream, croissant.

I sip from my mug, trying not to spill too much as I step around a smattering of 
discarded novels and over to the pile of unlabelled records on the other side of the room.
 Butter-yellow sunlight streams into the Cottage, snuggling up to the darkest corners, 
and for just a moment the whole place feels almost... normal. I ignore that several records
 appear to be carved out of thinly sliced stone – and that the dull red glow of the one 
in the corner is slightly more ominous than it was yesterday – and choose one at random.

The needle locks into place.

A few seconds of silence, then soft pops and clicks as the familiar voice of Freddie Mercury
 rings out.

I curl up on the window seat once more, knees tucked to my chin, and watch the world 
outside slowly pass me by. Men in suits, heading off to work. Cyclists narrowly missing both 
people and their dogs as they wind their way down cobblestone paths under the swooping 
shadows of –

Ignore the dragons, for the love of God, ignore the dragons

Son of a Pitch Entry: Silver and Ice

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Title: Silver and Ice

Category and Genre: YA Fantasy
Word Count: 80k

Query:

Eighteen-year-old Ebraham hunts silvertongues--those born with a voice capable of controlling minds. With the aid of a magicked amulet, an uncanny ability to read people, and just a touch of overconfidence, he has become Elysia's most renowned silvertongue hunter. So when the Winter Queen commands him to capture the silvertongue who has infiltrated the Fifth Regiment, he is sure he'll have this mission closed in a blink.

Until he discovers the regiment’s beloved Captain Alivia Youngblood is the hidden silvertongue. A brilliant military strategist, Youngblood may be the key to finally turning the tides of a decade-long war against the Vigilanthams, the kingdom's mortal enemy. However, with orders from the Winter Queen to seize Dark Water Point--a Vigilantham stronghold impossible to breach--it appears that the Fifth Regiment is doomed to a suicidal battle. . . unless someone comes up with a plan to save them all.

Caught in a world of lies and deceptions, Ebraham must decide who the kingdom's real enemy is: the Queen he serves, or the silvertongue he has come to respect.

First 250 Words:

I once chased a silvertongue up the twenty-third peak of the Devil’s Ridgeback in the dead of winter. Didn’t have a cloak, furs, gloves, or anything a sane person would think to wear in the middle of a blizzard. Nearly lost my left ear to frostbite, and two toenails blackened and fell off afterwards. Still caught the silvertongue at the end though, and that’s what matters—placing the mission above all.

Now I can’t help but compare the coldness settling over my skin to that wretched adventure from two winters ago.

A cool draft whispers against the nape of my neck. The soft swish of a heavy cloak dragging along the marble floor echoes in the throne room. Frost spiderwebs beneath my leather boots, chilling my feet into a deep ache. Only one person in the kingdom of Elysia controls such powerful magic.

“Rise, young Tracer.” Queen Hiema’s voice comes like a breath of snow.

I finally straighten from my deep bow, spine protesting, neck and shoulders stiff. By the time I lift my eyes, the Winter Queen has already made her way onto the dais in front of me, though she doesn’t sit on the throne. My breath hitches at the sight of the queen. In person, her cold and terrible beauty is more devastating than even the most vivid descriptions sung by the bards. Pale lashes frame cat-like eyes the color of ice chips. Lips stained a deep wine red, long fingernails painted gold and studded with diamonds.

Son of a Pitch Entry: The Light Witch

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Title: THE LIGHT WITCH
Category and Genre: YA Fantasy
Word Count: 107, 000

Query:

Seventeen-year-old Nick Espinosa can’t control his muscular dystrophy, his parents’ divorce, or how people look at him. But when he meets Simran, a young witch desperate to hide her powers from a drug lord, he finally gains something that he can control—her magic.

The catch? The ‘gift’ of Simran’s magic comes at a cost. Nick is pushed into the Otherside—a world where spells are black market currency. Simran is nowhere to be found and Nick discovers that he’s not the only one with her magic; stolen fragments are being sold on the market by members of her own coven and without it, she’ll die.

With Simran missing, Nick is abandoned in a world where he’s in danger of being killed for the magic she gave him. He must navigate the Otherside and find Simran before they both end up dead. To save her, he'll need to restore all her magic—including what she gave to him. But the more Nick uses, the more addicted to it he becomes and the more he starts to question if Simran’s reasons for giving him magic were as selfless as he originally thought.

First 250 Words:

The annoying thing about being a teenager in a wheelchair is that it’s depressingly hard to sneak out at night. Not that Nick doesn’t manage it, but it isn’t easy.

He pushes the stiff wooden door to his room open and wills it not to creak. Squeaky hinges are one of those things that comes with living in an older house. His chestnut colored hair is damp against his forehead. He rubs a palm against it and pulls his hand away wet with nervous sweat.

He grips the push rim of his chair and makes his way down the hallway, only pausing to glance at the door to his mom and step-dad’s room. Their door is shut and the hall is silent. Both of them sleep like the dead, thankfully. He releases and regrips his push rim.

Nick lines himself up at the edge of the stairs and looks at the steps leading down. This is the worst part.

He had to have a room upstairs. He couldn’t stand the idea of being stuck on the bottom floor, chair or not. He felt like staying down there would mean accepting things would get harder. Even if they did eventually. It still felt like a win.

There’s a stairlift attached to the railing, but unless he wants to wake everyone up, it’s not an option. They got it at an estate sale. It used to belong to an old lady, is at least ten years old, and shakes and rattles like a mini earthquake.

Nick locks the brakes on his chair and slides to the edge of the seat. He lifts his legs out from the footrest and sets them out straight on the staircase landing. Small movements are easy, not like standing or walking. But it'll be worth it once the fresh night air hits his face.