My Eating Discorder

Recently, I've come to notice a pattern with my eating. It's not a pretty picture either. When I was in high school, I teetered on the edge of anorexia. I avoided eating in front of people, skipped meals, and if I felt too hungry, I drowned it with water. I wasn't thin, so no one noticed. Yes, I had issues with anemia, and these bizarre stress mini seizures, but no one knew how little I was eating so they chalked it up to how much I did with my life with all my sports, and choirs, and school, and crappy social circles. But my relationship with my body has always been very negative.
When I was in my early twenties, I started to become comfortable-ish with my body. I was never as slender as most girls my age, but I was comfortable in my skin and mostly liked the way I looked. I think it was for all of about three years this lasted. Three years out of the past eighteen of my adolescent and adult life.
My first big weight change came when I had my first child. I have PCOS, so despite nursing and exercise, the pregnancy weight refused to budge. Add onto that a difficult baby and postpartum depression and it was a recipe for disaster.
It took me a few years, but I finally started to pull out of my slump and try to find ways to beat down the PCOS fat cling. I lost 20lbs, and fell pregnant again.
After baby two, as I expected, I felt the PPD coming on again, and also, again, the weight didn't go away despite nursing and exercise care of the PCOS. But this time, the depression lingered.
Recently, I've come to the realization that I have depression. Since having PPD, I have learned the signs and it frightens me to see them pop up without the pregnancy and baby hormones running rampant. Especially because depression makes me do things to numb. This is where my eating disorder kicks in. I'm addicted to eating to numb my feelings. My numbing routine consists of binge watching TV/movies and eating. It's like everything else in life is too hard to handle, especially when I'm home. I work all day, come home to work more, I study. I'm always tired now too, and with the heat, all I want to do is sleep.
I have an eating disorder. The problem is, I have no idea how to fix it.

My List of Inhibitions, or, Thoughts That Go Through My Head Daily

1. My writing sucks.
2. My stories suck.
3. I'm not very smart.
4. I will never earn my degree because I'm not smart, especially when it comes to math.
5. I'm fat.
6. I'm ugly.
7. People can't see past 6 & 7.
8. My husband can't see past 6 & 7.
9. My girls will grow up and see how much 6 & 7 destroy my confidence and it will reflect in them and their lives.
10. Every time I try to lose weight, it works for a while, but then stops and comes back on again, even if I'm still doing what just shed 25 lbs. I'll never find something that actually works.
11. When I look in the mirror, I see no value in the person looking back. I don't even see me anymore.
12. I'm tired all the time.
13. I'm stressed all the time.
14. I don't have the energy or funds to exercise like I need to, which makes me more stressed.
15. No matter what I do to bring us up financially, it's never enough.
16. I work and study until I'm dead exhausted and it's still not enough.
17. People judge me for how messy my house is.
18. I don't have the time or energy to keep my house clean and it makes me stressed.
19. I can't spend these critical years home with my youngest because I have to go out and work or we'll lose everything.
20. I'm tired and stressed from having to carry most of the burdens around our home. Increasingly, I'm growing disillusioned and depressed and consider just disappearing, leaving, doing something because I don't know how much more I can take.
21. I have no friends I can open to, no one I consider close because I don't have the time.
22. Strike that, I could have the time, but I'm so tired, stressed, depressed, and disgusted with myself to try to find friends.
23. I don't feel like I deserve friends.
24. Even if I did have friends, I seem unable to really share what's going on inside. It's easier to smile and say, "I'm fine."
25. I hate how hot it always seems to be here. I don't want to go outside as a result, which means my favorite source of exercise, walking my dogs, is limited to two or, at the most, three months a year.
26. I feel guilty every time I leave my kids to do something.
27. I don't write much anymore, and I lack inspiration.
28. I'm lonely. All. The. Time.
29. I miss the old me, the one who was so hopeful, who believed she could be loved and likable, and wasn't horrified at the person who looked back at her in the mirror.
30. Most days, I cry because I'll never be able to share any of this with anyone, and I know I'm going to break any day. I'm so done.