Pro Edit!

So, thanks to my wonderful Dad, I had a professional edit done on Kiya. It came back quick too with very positive feedback!
Here is a short summary -  
Dear Katie, That was a genuinely exciting read! Kiya and the others are all strong characters; very rare for a novel of this size and scope. Everyone is very distinct and interesting, to boot. I'm selfishly glad it's not the end, too, because I really want to read more about the new choices she makes, fleeing in this new world of hers, kids and a somewhat clingy Malachi in tow. Excellent work, and great writing/plotting! 

So now I need help with writing a query letter. Sigh. Anyone interested in helping out?

Editorial Review

So here are some snippets from my review for Kiya. It was quite long so I took out the grammar suggestions, categorizing, title improvement etc and have just included the most helpful parts! Enjoy!

Kiya is a great book full of suspense, intrigue, well-crafted storylines, and well-developed and likable (and detestable) characters. It was a quick, very pleasurable read—a page-turner. There are some grammatical issues but the storyline is not really of any concern. I like that you've made this the first book of a series. I look forward to hopefully one day hearing what came of Kiya and Malachi and her children.
 
 

For the most part, the plot is great. I like that this is not a sex novel. Considering the times in which you reference, Kiya could easily have been more risqué. However, I noted on page 201 that you wisely chose to leave those sort of details out and let the readers focus on the story. This is one reason I feel it's suitable for young adults.

I was well ready at page 314 for a bit more action and drama. If you can make the reader's heart race again slightly earlier, it will aid the pace of the read much better. The reader could become too impatient for more of what you provide plenty of in the beginning: edge-of-seat action. The events that follow from this page are great and well-executed. My heart raced indeed.

 I love that in the end, Kiya sets off, but I feel that a better cliffhanger would be to leave the reader without knowing who she will choose: Horemheb or Malachi. She leaves with Malachi but I think that the book could end just as Horemheb arrives, insisting he accompany her. Readers will be torn between the two until the next book is out. Cliffhangers like this make readers long for more and will cause a buildup of anticipation for the sequel. You want to ensure that the second book is bought. If Kiya leaves with Malachi, it will seem like more of a conclusion of the story than one that will be continued.

 

The pacing is great as this proves to be a quick and pleasurable read. As I said before, the pace only slows in the pages preceding page 314. Too much time passes between page-gripping actions, and I would bring these events slightly closer together if I were you. As for the dialogue, there is a great balance of narration and dialogue. Well done. 

Characterization:

Kiya is great, and the readers will love her. However, it did begin to get a little tiresome at how much people praised her cleverness. This point that she is intelligent is made quite a lot. I think it's appropriate to bring this into the story at times but it's overdone sometimes, too. There's no need to be repetitious.

It's hard to like Malachi as much as the Commander. This is probably the intent and I do think this is good (to cause any kind of reaction in the reader) but I was agitated for him to speak to Kiya as I was afraid they'd be overheard. Because he couldn’t speak to her much, his character is not as developed as it should be if he is to be believably in love with her. Maybe you can include more internal thoughts from him. This will also stop the reader from getting irritated at his external proclamations of love—it begins to make him appear foolish after a while. Are we pulling for him? Are we pulling for the Pharaoh? He is made out to be evil at times with his strange temper, but we, the readers, always side with whatever Kiya is feeling. Think about the different pulls here and if the reader is meant to be even more torn than we are at the current scenario, then make sure we like both the Pharaoh and Malachi more. If one should be favored more, then develop that storyline a little more. As for the Commander, that was a great surprise and one that the readers were waiting on and almost ready to give up on. Keep him in the running for her heart for as long as possible—this is the relationship you developed the most and your readers will want more on this development. 

This could be considered cliché in that historical romantic fiction has been done before but it's been done well and the creators have well benefited from it. I have never even thought of the romantic drama that must have existed during the 18^th Dynasty so this is something to set you apart and give you credit where it is due. This makes it original. 

III. Conclusion

Although the manuscript is already in good shape, it could benefit from a round of editing that can tweak many areas including punctuation, and can help point out any typos, misspellings, or recommendations regarding diction. It is, otherwise, a book that is well on its way to being thoroughly enjoyed by many. Good luck with revisions, and it has been a pleasure to assist you with your manuscript.

 Note: I have since gone through Kiya and implemented the suggestions made. Also I want to say Malachi's character isn't supposed to shine until the 2nd book. The first book is mostly about her, Akhenaten and Horemheb. Even Tut doesn't become prominent until well into the 2nd book, and his character is essential to the choices she ends up making.

Fairytale Love Story for Blog Hop

Bryanna stroked the crystal, melancholy coming up over her as she watched the prince and the huntress in the maze. No-one had ever loved her, not really. She frowned, and shook it off. King Hernan may have. She remembered when they first met at a Duke's social. Her mother had made sure she was the most beautiful young lady in the room. "Nothing is more important than beauty," she had told her. "Beauty catches wealthy dukes, brains scares them away. So mind your tongue and don't act too clever." She paced, muttering something about her old school friend Snow and how she had ruined her life.

As usual, every man at the social had eyes for her. Her long, wavy chocolate brown hair gleamed, her green eyes were bright. She knew she was dazzling, but none could captivate her. As smart as she was, everyone else seemed stupid in her eyes, until a tall, handsome man approached her. He ran his fingers through his thick, light brown hair apprehensively. But his dark eyes locked with hers and he asked her to dance. He was far from stupid. Politics, literature, everything she could throw at him he knew at least something about. She didn't even notice the eyes watching them as time slipped by. When they parted and she headed home, her mother muttered, "Beauty is the key my dear. You caught a prince tonight, now you must keep him. So I will show you something that is very secret, that has been passed down from mother to daughter for generations."

She climbed out of the carriage and Bryanna darted after her into the house. "Mother, what..." She felt her mother's arm press against her chest. She looked at her, then followed her fierce gaze to her fifteen year old step-sister.

"Beauty will steal away men's hearts," she whispered.

Cytheria heard them and turned, smiling. "Hello mother, Bree."

Bryanna saw a darkness fill her mother's eyes. "Come here dear."

Cytheria skipped over. "I know I should be in bed but I wanted so much to hear how the evening went. Bryanna, did you meet anyone lovely or royal?" Her eyes glowed up at Bryanna.

"Well..." Bryanna began with a smile.

Her mother cut her off. "Cytheria, you know you shouldn't be up this late, you're grounded."

Cytheria's face fell. "I'm sorry mother, I just..."

"Silence! I don't want to hear your whining. Bed, now!"

Bryanna remembered that as the last night she had loved her sister. That was the last night Cytheria had slept in her own bedroom before being moved to the servant's wing, demoted from a duke's daughter to servant by her jealous step-mother. But it was also the first night her mother had given her sorcery and she had felt the intoxication of its power,and the first night she had spent with the man who stole her heart.